Dinadayadri devi dasi Remembers Srila Prabhupada

Prabhupada Memories

Interview 01

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Dinadayadri: During an ecstatic kirtan in the Los Angeles temple Srila Prabhupada was laughing. Afterwards a devotee asked why he had been laughing and Prabhupada said, “I was laughing to see Narada Muni.” The devotee said, “Narada Muni?” “Yes, Narada Muni was there.” “What was Narada Muni doing?” Prabhupada said, “He was laughing.” The devotee said, “Why was he laughing?” “He was laughing when he saw the mlecchas and chandalas dancing and chanting Hare Krishna.” I was living in Washington, D.C. in early 1970, distributing Back to Godhead magazines and giving out incense on a college campus. It was around the time that the National Guards had shot at students at Kent State University, and there was unrest and a tense atmosphere on the campuses. Back then, it was a big deal to sell a few magazines for a quarter each, but I was upset because the students were so agitated that they weren’t interested in the magazine. Then a newspaper reporter from the Washington Post asked if he could interview me, and I said, “Sure.” He asked what I had done before I’d joined the movement, and I told him how I’d lived on a hippie farm and had became discouraged with that philosophy. I said, “I was being misled by false rascals like Timothy Leary.” I had studied some of Timothy Leary’s books and I felt betrayed and disillusioned when I realized he was saying, “Have great sex, take LSD and see God.” I wanted knowledge of the Absolute Truth and what Leary was saying was material—it had to do not with spiritual knowledge but with the physical body. In those days, devotees were badly misquoted in newspaper articles. The reporters didn’t understand what we were talking about, and they’d write some nonsense about Hinduism. This Washington Post article was one of the first ones where we were accurately quoted. It was long, with good quotes from a lot of devotees and because it was accurate—my exact words were in the paper—it had some particular potency. My quote was at the beginning, on the front page of the Washington Post’s Style section, along with a big photograph of my face. I’m camera-shy and not usually photogenic, but by Krishna’s mercy I looked nice in the photograph, wearing a nose ring with a chain going to my ear. When Prabhupada read my comments about Timothy Leary being a “false rascal,” which was Prabhupada’s terminology, he said, “George Harrison has given me nineteen thousand dollars for printing the Krishna book, but by her statement this girl has given me nineteen thousand million dollars.” I can’t tell you how encouraged I was when I heard that. I was a young devotee and perhaps Prabhupada mercifully said it to encourage me. I wasn’t parroting his words because I did have that realization about Leary, but it was definitely Prabhupada’s inspiration that made me say it. Prabhupada would inspire us and if we surrendered to his inspiration, there would be a reciprocal exchange between him and us—the guru and the disciple—that was esoteric and inexplicable. Most of us understood that exchange from our personal experience. Prabhupada liked to take his morning walks on the beautiful white sand of Juhu Beach and once, when we were walking there, Srila Prabhupada looked at the ocean and said, “What is that water?” Nobody said anything for a while. I thought, “It’s Krishna’s energy,” but I was too shy to speak. Finally my husband said, “Prabhupada, it’s the Arabian Sea.” Lightning bolts shot out of Prabhupada’s eyes, “Do you think your spiritual master is so nonsense that he doesn’t know that’s the Arabian Sea?” Obviously that wasn’t the answer he was looking for. Then Satsvarupa said, “It’s Krishna’s energy.” “Yes,” and Prabhupada explained how, instead of inundating the land and flooding everything, the ocean waves stop at a certain point and how nature works under Krishna’s laws. It was very instructive. When Srila Prabhupada chastised, you didn’t feel bad about yourself, you felt cleansed. Prabhupada didn’t give you low self-esteem but he gave a valuable lesson. Whether he chastised or praised, it was all growth and encouragement. At the entrance to the property there were huge wooden gates that were kept closed at night. But one morning around 6:00 a.m., when Srila Prabhupada came to those gates on his morning walk, they were still closed. Srila Prabhupada was livid. He said, “Why are the gates closed? Do you think mangal arati is just for you? No, it is for everyone. You must open these gates so the villagers can come to mangal arati.” He was angry that we were so thoughtless and self-centered. He was always teaching us to think of others, giving Krishna consciousness to others, and that way we would save ourselves. By trying to save others, we would save ourselves. The idea of being concerned for our own advancement and to hell with everybody else wasn’t Prabhupada’s way. I told Srila Prabhupada that I was having such a severe problem with an abusive marriage partner that I was suicidal. I didn’t know what else to do so I blurted out, “Srila Prabhupada, I can’t be Krishna conscious. I feel like I’m going to commit suicide.” Srila Prabhupada paused and looked off thoughtfully. He was detached, not sentimental—“Oh, you poor little thing”—but he took me seriously. I didn’t ask for a divorce or to marry someone else but I asked to live separately from my husband so I could be free of the stress of that situation and continue in the movement. Prabhupada’s eyes opened wide, he looked me right in the eye and said, “There will not be other men?” “No, no, Srila Prabhupada.” That was the last thing on my mind. I was at the stage where the thought of malefemale relationships made me spit—not from spiritual realization but because on the mundane platform I was unbearably miserable. Srila Prabhupada said, “You will stay in our temple?” “Yes, Srila Prabhupada.” He wasn’t going to sanction a divorce and remarriage, but when I agreed to those two things he said, “All right, you may stay here and assist Palika.” And that was it. When my parents met Srila Prabhupada, my mother took a photograph of Srila Prabhupada sitting on the floor behind his desk with my dad sitting cross-legged in front of him. They’re both looking at the camera and have the same effulgent smile. I call that picture “my two fathers.” It’s as if my material father is reflecting the effulgent smile of my spiritual father. My parents thanked Srila Prabhupada for saving me from drugs and a degraded hippie life. Srila Prabhupada smiled and said, “Yes, many parents thank me.” They also told him that they were concerned about me because it was difficult for them to communicate with me since I was in India. Srila Prabhupada said, “Yes, I am also concerned about my children.” He chatted with my parents on a parental level, he gave them some prasadam from his plate, and he showered them with mercy. Srila Prabhupada knew how to relate with everybody. At the first Mayapur festival in 1972, when the cornerstone was laid, devotees were learning so-called Bengali-style chanting, which was quite different from the chanting Srila Prabhupada had taught us. The Bengali melodies, rather than being completely transcendental, were a form of traditional folk entertainment. When, instead of simply absorbing Srila Prabhupada’s example and trying to emulate that, the devotees imbibed these Indian styles, techniques and drumbeats. Prabhupada expressed some displeasure especially in the beginning when they weren’t good at it. Achyutananda Maharaj had been in India for some time, learned these styles from some of Prabhupada’s God-brothers in the Gaudiya Math and had started teaching others. Maharaj was a bit arrogant about it, “You don’t know how to chant. I’ll teach you how you should be chanting. In India you have to do it this way.” Some devotees fell for it because the drumbeats and tunes were catchy. But the devotees weren’t good at it, so the result was a cacophony of unpleasant sounds—a mess—rather than the beautiful, angelic chanting that we did under Prabhupada’s tutelage. When Prabhupada heard those kirtans from his thatched hut he’d make a face and say, “It is a pinching sound,” and he would close his windows to reduce the volume. When the kirtan ended he’d say, “Thank goodness it’s over.”

To view the entire unedited video go to Memories 37 - Umapati S, Sacinandana S., BCS., Narada Muni, Dindayadri, Vaiyasaki

The full Prabhupada Memories Series can be viewed here and also at www.prabhupadamemories.com

Following Srila Prabhupada

Interview DVD 02

Dinadayadri: In those days, it was standard practice in ISKCON to do nirjala fasting on these big days like Gaura Purnima and Janmastami and Vyasa-puja, which means no food and no water. At midnight on Janmastami we’d have a little break fast drink, a salty lemon drink, and that was it. Then we’d fast all day till noon on Vyasa-puja. It wasn’t considered any kind of fanaticism, that was just the standard, that was just what we did. And they also said unless we could chant purely we shouldn’t chant at all, we would be offenders to the Holy Name. And this was a new idea because Srila Prabhupada had taught us that we become purified by chanting, that there’s a clearing stage and you won’t be…but you do it and you become purified by doing it. And this was devastating news to me personally and to everyone, an atmosphere of total depressive devastation took over. Everyone was wailing and weeping and thinking we were all going to have to leave Prabhupada because we couldn’t chant purely. It really cast a spell on everybody. To me that experience is it was like the loss of innocence, the ISKCON movement lost its innocence at that point. Because before that it was all innocent and simply Prabhupada. And after that, even though the movement continued and it was wonderful, there was this opening for this maya, this contamination to enter. So finally it got philosophically straightened out. The sannyasis fled, they just disappeared in the middle of the night, nobody knew where they went.

Interview DVD 03

Dinadayadri: When we got back to where we were staying from the airport, he invited everyone into his room and he was just lounging on these pillow and he looked so youthful and effulgent. It was just totally a different experience than seeing him in America. He was laughing and joking about how bad the milk was in Calcutta, “The milk in Calcutta is finished.” He had just come from Calcutta. I was just so dumbstruck by this experience of seeing my spiritual master in this mood, this informal mood, and feeling so unworthy that I couldn’t…when I’d look up at him, he looked so effulgent it hurt my eyes. So I thought, “OK, I’ll start by looking at his feet.” So I started looking at his feet, and then I moved up. It was almost like offering aratik with my eyes, I moved up his transcendental body until I got to his face. And when I beheld his face, he was transformed in his appearance. I started trembling and tears started pouring, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was not a physical form at all that I had ever seen. It was Prabhupada, but it was transformed into this exquisite kind of otherworldly beauty that you never see on this planet. I almost fainted. Seeing Prabhupada’s appearance transform was like a tangible proof to me that he was a being from the spiritual plane, from the spiritual world, in our midst. And every once in a while the veil would lift from our eyes and we’d get a little glimpse by Prabhupada’s mercy. Look at that. I’ll never forget that kirtan, you could feel demigods showering flowers. And the people were stunned. They’d never…because the way we did kirtan, Prabhupada did kirtan different than the traditional Bengali. And when we first went to India, we were chanting like Prabhupada and it was like the people had never heard, it was so potent. Prabhupada leading and the disciples following. These people had never heard anything like it, and they were just thunderstruck. I just loved…kirtan was my savior, that was my shelter. It washed everything away, it washed away all anxieties. To me, the perfection of life is to be with Srila Prabhupada in kirtan. It’s all I want in life and I don’t care where it is or when it is, that’s just all I want. This was a very bizarre experience. The people were just mobbing. It got to be almost like a frenzy, like a hysteria. They were so excited to have the devotees there. And as we were going down the street, we were knocking over vegetable stalls. So Prabhupada appeared to be feeling ill. We couldn’t tell if he was sleeping or if he was fainting. Then we ended up in some kind of sports stadium, and Prabhupada was in a little room. We closed the gates, these big wooden doors, and then the people just wanted to see Prabhupada but Prabhupada wasn’t well. So the devotees got him in this room and closed the room and wouldn’t let the people come in, and they just got more and more upset and they were banging on these gates trying to get in. I was getting scared – were they going to break down the doors and stampede us, what were they going to do to us, because they were getting a little angry too. It was like that, people just thronged Prabhupada like some rock star or something and wanted to rip him apart, get a piece of him. So I don’t think Prabhupada ever did speak. I don’t even remember how we got Prabhupada out of there. But I do remember that he sent groups of devotees out to have contact with the people. I remember myself and Nara Narayan being sent out as a team, and we went to this little temple and Nara Narayan gave a little talk and we had a little kirtan and the people were satisfied. They wanted to see us too, the white sadhus. It was so exciting for them to see these white sadhus. See, look at Prabhupada, he looks…because at some times he was sitting on this thing with his eyes closed and his head nodding. We didn’t know if he’d had a stroke or if he had fainted from the heat or if he was sleeping, it was just really strange. The morning walks were very informal, pretty much whoever wanted to go could go. And a lot of times the devotees were so sick, most of them were under their mosquito nets when Prabhupada took his morning walk. So I remember one morning Prabhupada was just taking off for his walk and so Brahmananda, Nara Narayan, myself and Srimate trailed along after him. We came to the gates…remember those big wooden gates at the front of the property?...and they were closed. And this was after mangal aratik. Prabhupada became livid. He was so angry. He said, “Why are these gates closed? I’ve told you the gates must be kept open for mangal aratik so the villagers can come.” He said, “Do you think this mangal aratik is just for you? No, it’s for everyone! You think this Krishna consciousness is just for you?” He was very angry that we were being so self-centered and not thinking about the welfare of the neighboring people.

Interview DVD 04

Dinadayadri: There was a palpable consciousness that this was the fulfillment of Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur’s prophecy that the devotees from the East and the West would meet in the birthplace of Lord Chaitanya and perform harinam sankirtan. And this was it and there was an awareness, and the kirtan was beyond words. I got to have a private darshan with Srila Prabhupada. Of course, his servant was in the room and myself and Prabhupada. When I first came before him with what I thought was this huge life-ending problem—my whole consciousness absorbed in being in anxiety about this problem—all of a sudden when I got in there the whole problem just shrunk down to the size of the water in the hoof print of a calf. This huge unsolvable anxiety just became insignificant. And there I was, totally embarrassed. All of a sudden it didn’t seem like something that you should bother Prabhupada with, and I was so embarrassed. But here I am, I had disturbed him. At that time, Prabhupada communicated something to me. You’ve probably heard from other devotees how sometimes Prabhupada would communicate without speaking. Prabhupada became a mirror and I think that’s a guru’s function, to be like a mirror to the disciple. He was like a mirror. He was showing me my spiritual situation, and I had this really esoteric, internal vision for a few seconds of myself being this brilliant diamond-like spiritual spark within my heart but I was covered over with mounds and heaps and heaps of dirt. And I also had a vision of Srila Prabhupada sitting there, the same brilliant spiritual spark only completely clear of any covering. He communicated to me with that vision that I was just like him but I was covered, and that all I needed to do was to follow his instructions and I would become completely uncovered like him. That was such an intense realization, and I thought, “Oh, how can I bring up my petty mundane problem?” But like I said, after I’d gone and disturbed him and he was sitting there expecting, then I did it, I blurted it out. The most significant thing about that whole experience was that internal mirror-like vision that he gave me of myself and himself.