Mahabuddhi: Early one morning I took my parents’ car and went from Long Beach, where we lived, to the Los Angeles temple. I met Prabhupada’s secretary, Shyamasundar, who said, “Would you like to see Srila Prabhupada?” At the time the maya I was in was to argue with people, and my intent in meeting Prabhupada was to challenge him to see if he was really a guru. I had thought about it that morning and had made four points. If he’s a guru, he has to know the Absolute Truth, the process of knowing the Absolute Truth, he has to be able to read my mind, and he has to be able to predict the future. Who knows why I came up with those? I sat in the back of Prabhupada’s room because it was filled with sannyasis holding their dandas. It was a room full of sticks. Only two people were in white dhotis, Karandhar and Jayatirtha, and I was the only noninitiated person present. I had long, curling hair and was too muscular to sit comfortably in a lotus position. Prabhupada had just finished singing a song, and he looked from side to side and then looked at me. Immediately he said, “Why are you a kripana?” I hadn’t said anything, but I thought, “What is a kripana?” Prabhupada said, “A kripana is the opposite of a brahman!” He explained how brahmans are the pious class of the society and are meant to know the Absolute Truth and to teach others. Because Prabhupada was so heavy, Karandhar and Jayatirtha and the sannyasis in the front made a little aisle so there was an open space between Prabhupada and me. I was looking at him, thinking, “What is this? I’m being screamed at for being miserly?” Prabhupada explained, “If you have abilities and you are not using them for Krishna, then you are miser.” We had never met before, and I was in a challenging spirit, so Prabhupada took the first whap. Then he progressively explained that the Absolute Truth is the lotus feet of Krishna and that the process of realizing the Absolute Truth is bhakti, rendering service to Him. One after another my prerequisites for being a guru became erased, and simultaneously, by Prabhupada’s lotus mercy, I was kicked in the face for my nonsense challenging spirit. Prabhupada could see right through me, and by his vision I felt naked. Still, in my mind I insisted, “He didn’t predict the future,” and just as I thought that, Prabhupada called for Pradyumna, his traveling Sanskrit editor, and asked Pradyumna to bring him the big volume that he translated from, the Srimad- Bhagavatam that has the commentaries of the major Vaishnava acharyas. At this time, the early 1970s, Prabhupada had not read from the Twelfth Canto of the Srimad-Bhagavatam before. Prabhupada turned to the Twelfth Canto and predicted the future for the age of Kali. He looked at me and said, “People will think they’re beautiful by having long hairs.” Prabhupada explained many of the predictions for this age, and I felt defeated even though I hadn’t even opened my mouth. By Krishna’s grace I hadn’t made any offenses other than to offensively come before Prabhupada. Prabhupada smashed me, and after the darshan was over, I bolted out of the room. Without looking at anybody, I ran down the stairs, jumped in the car, and started driving home. I thought, “Why have I been called a miser?” and I was going over everything that Prabhupada had said. When I reached home I thought, “Why don’t you just face it? You’ve been defeated.” I wasn’t used to being defeated, but I remembered that was what I was looking for. I realized that Prabhupada was an honest and regal and powerful guru. It took a bit of courage, but the next morning I drove back, wrote a check payable to A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami for a thousand dollars (which was a big donation at that time), and gave it to Karandhar, who was in the gift shop. Karandhar looked at it and said, “Come and give it to Srila Prabhupada.” I said, “No, that’s okay.” I thought, “I barely survived the first meeting.” Karandhar said, “Wait here.” While I waited, Karandhar gave my check to Srila Prabhupada. Prabhupada told Karandhar to tell me, “You have understood.” That was my first meeting with Srila Prabhupada.
I was shaking. There were many devotees there, and I was trying not to screw up. I was trying to say and do the right thing. Prabhupada called me forward and said, “Your name is Mahabuddhi. Mahabuddhi means great intelligence.” Then he said something else, but I was so awestruck surrendering to Prabhupada that I didn’t know what he said. I became dumbfounded. Prabhupada had that effect. Normally I have somewhat of a fighting mentality, but Prabhupada could control me.
On a morning walk Prabhupada gave Bhakti-Tirtha Swami some personal instructions. I felt that was wonderful, but I was also transcendentally jealous because I wanted some personal instructions. The next morning I asked, “Prabhupada, I’m on the Library Party, and I’m visiting professors in big universities, but I’m just a graduate from San Diego State University. Yet I’m trying to represent you—” I felt, “How can I become more qualified?” but I didn’t quite finish my sentence. Prabhupada looked at me and said, “Krishna’s already helping.” In other words, I thought I was doing the work. Prabhupada was good at bringing us back to reality. Then Prabhupada said, “Anyway, just pray to Krishna. To those who constantly worship Krishna with love, He gives them the intelligence to come back to Him. Will you pray like that?” I said, “Yes, Prabhupada.” He said, “Every day?” I said, “Yes, Srila Prabhupada.” He said, “In that way, Krishna will supply you intelligence.” That was one of my most wonderful times with Prabhupada. He gave me a personal instruction that I try to follow. Prabhupada is such a wonderful personality that one can fully dedicate one’s life to trying to enact his desires.
In his garden in L.A., Prabhupada met and talked cordially to some professors, and so in Philadelphia we brought an Indian professor to meet Prabhupada. Prabhupada blasted him. Prabhupada called him a cheater and practically annihilated him. Then the person left. We were shocked because he was a big person on campus, but Prabhupada didn’t care. As far as Prabhupada was concerned, that professor was cheating the students and mocking them. For those of us on the Library Party, our business was meeting professors, preaching, getting reviews of Srila Prabhupada’s books, and making his books textbooks in libraries and colleges. After Prabhupada met with that professor, we learned that while our service was appreciated, we were in the enemy’s camp. The knowledge of many professors has been stolen by illusion, and their business is to make the teachings of Lord Krishna mythology. Our business was to engage them and to give the students a chance to examine Srila Prabhupada’s books. In meeting with that professor, Prabhupada trained us not to be attracted to what certain professors were teaching. In a sense, we were disguised enemy agents in another camp.
Bhakti-Tirtha Swami and I had been in the sankirtan newsletter a lot for the book distribution that we had done in colleges and universities. After a few months of that, I had begun impurely thinking, “Yes, we’re the doers.” When Srila Prabhupada, the Radha Damodar Party, and about three hundred other devotees were in Chicago, the Library Party devotees were there also. At that time many devotees said to me, “Oh, haribol Mahabuddhi! You’ve done so well.” But each successive day that Prabhupada was there, terrible things happened. One morning during Gurupuja, Ramakeli, Gurukripa, and I were dancing extremely wildly. If people were in the way they’d be knocked down. Prabhupada stopped the Gurupuja, and said, “Mahabuddhi, what is this dancing? This is not Vaishnava dancing.” He turned to Brahmananda and said, “Show them the sankirtan style,” and Brahmananda showed us the “Swami Step.” It was so quiet in the temple room that you could have heard a pin drop. Then the arati continued, and I floated to the back of the room, behind the three-hundredth person. After that, Prabhupada had a big press conference, and I noticed there wasn’t a book table for Prabhupada’s books. Prabhupada always wanted his books to be present, so I put his books on a table. Prabhupada had just explained how all of his devotees pay their obeisances when they come in, but when I came in I didn’t want to make a disturbance or be awkward in front of the cameras, so I slid to the back. Prabhupada saw me, turned to Harikesh, and said something, but to this day Harikesh won’t tell me what he said. Prabhupada smashed me. Another time, when Prabhupada was speaking about Krishna with the Library Party devotees, I came in, and Satsvarupa said to Prabhupada, “This is Mahabuddhi.” Prabhupada looked at me and indicated, “Next . . .” In three days I had committed so many offenses that I was ready to jump in the Chicago River. When I finally felt useless and felt that I was not the doer, then Prabhupada again allowed me to have his association. Prabhupada taught in many ways. The greatest feeling one could have is being the instrument of Prabhupada’s desire, of feeling useful in his service. There is nothing higher or more satisfying. As Krishna would manifest Himself with the gopis and then unmanifest if the gopis became proud, similarly we became unqualified for Prabhupada’s association when we became proud. In this way such a pure soul taught us the lesson that we are not the doer. This was Prabhupada’s mercy.
For about four or five years, until Prabhupada left in 1977, I used to run his darshans during the festivals in Vrindavan and Mayapur. I’d let the devotees and guests into his room, and when his room got too crowded, I’d have to stop people from coming in. Prabhupada always gave wonderful darshans. Sometimes I could see Prabhupada’s mercy reaching out to people. The air was so thick I would want to cry. Through these darshans I saw the great wonder that Prabhupada had over devotees and visitors. One day in Vrindavan an Indian gentleman came and sat in the back. Prabhupada’s room was full, and I didn’t pay much attention to this gentleman. Toward the end of the darshan Prabhupada said, “Where is the prasadam?” and looked at me. My responsibility was to make sure prasadam was there, and I realized there was no prasadam. Prabhupada had told me earlier, “Make sure everyone who comes for darshan gets prasadam. If there’s not enough, then some of the devotees can go without, but if there is enough then everyone should get prasadam.” I immediately ran to the pujari room and said, “Where are the sweets to distribute in Prabhupada’s room?” Hamsa said, “The cook was sick and didn’t make them.” I went, “Oh, my God!” I went into the Deities’ room, and there was a whole tray of sweets that the pujaris were about to offer to Radha and Krishna. I quickly took that tray from the Deity plate and put it on the transfer plate and brought it into Prabhupada’s room. Now my dilemma was, “How am I supposed to offer this? Am I supposed to bow down and offer them with the three prayers?” Prabhupada looked at me and saw my anxiety. He saw through me. In his mind he seemed to say, “Who is this dud of a disciple?” To me he said, “Come here.” I went to him and he said, “Take the cover off the plate.” I took off the cover. Prabhupada looked at it and said, “Now, distribute.” I realized that Srila Prabhupada’s so potent that by offering it to him, it would be accepted by Krishna. I distributed the sweets, but that gentleman who was in the back of the room had left without getting one. Prabhupada said, “There is one man who left. You must find him and give him this prasadam. Do you understand? You must.” I’d never experienced that before. The gentleman had just left, and I expected to see him outside the door. But he wasn’t there. I kept going farther and farther toward the gate, and I still didn’t see him. Finally, I went to the gate, and there he was. In a matter of seconds he went so far. I thought that was very unusual. I gave him the prasadam and said, “My spiritual master wanted me to make sure that you had some prasad.” His head was covered with a chadar, and he had unusually regal features. He looked at me and said, “Your spiritual master is very kind,” and went down the road. I went down the road also, but he wasn’t there anymore. As I went back to Prabhupada’s room, I thought, “Who are these personalities coming to take Prabhupada’s darshan?”
When Prabhupada’s God-brothers came, Prabhupada asked me to bring a book of the reviews that the Library Party had gotten. Prabhupada had me read some of the reviews to his God-brothers. I read one Bhakti Tirtha Maharaj had gotten and one I had gotten from Oxford. Prabhupada said, “All over the world scholars are accepting these books.” Prabhupada’s God-brothers were impressed, and Prabhupada’s beam and smile instilled faith in me. To see how much importance Prabhupada gave to our service, to see how much he wanted it done, and to see how proud he was of it, kept us going for a whole year.
Once when I was Prabhupada’s guard, Prabhupada had me doing something in his room when he asked me, “Where is Bhagavan?” I said, “I don’t know, Srila Prabhupada.” He said, “Bring me Bhagavan.” I said, “Right now?” He said, “Yes, bring me Bhagavan.” He was firm, and he looked at me with a look that said it was imperative for me to get Bhagavan. I ran all over Mayapur, but Bhagavan wasn’t on the temple grounds. I asked, “Has anyone seen Bhagavan?” Someone said, “I think he went to the Ganga.” I thought, “Should I go back and ask Prabhupada if he wants me to go all the way to the Ganga? But my instruction was to get Bhagavan and bring him there.” So I ran out the gates, through the fields, all the way to the Ganga. Bhagavan was giving a class to about fifty devotees. I didn’t beat around the bush but went to him and said, “Haribol prabhu, please excuse me but Srila Prabhupada wants to see you right now.” I wasn’t bashful or embarrassed, because Prabhupada wanted something. Bhagavan said, “I’ll finish here and then go.” I said, “Sorry, prabhu, but Prabhupada wants to see you right now.” He looked at me as if to say, “I said I’m just coming.” Then I got more emphatic, “You don’t seem to understand. Prabhupada wants you right now. Get your stuff and let’s go.” Bhagavan had never seen such arrogance in a brahmachari, but somehow he felt my purpose. I practically grabbed him. When we were returning Bhagavan was a little slow, so I ran straight to Prabhupada’s room. Prabhupada looked as if he hadn’t broken his glance from when I left. As soon as I came in he looked at me as if he were waiting for a report. I said, “I have brought him, Srila Prabhupada. He was at the Ganga.” Prabhupada said, “Very good.” I felt like a great weight had come off me. Prabhupada was unabashed, and as his disciples we have to follow his instructions unabashedly. That’s our very life and soul. We have no idea what Krishna consciousness is about. None of us understand who Krishna is or what devotional service or sankirtan or prasadam is. We understand none of these things. All we have is Prabhupada’s instructions to us. If we disobey or do not follow his instructions we are nowhere. Even such a simple instruction as “Get Bhagavan,” that has no why or what for but was so emphatically said, we better do it, and we better do it right and now. My mind was so determined to get Bhagavan that I would have literally carried him to Srila Prabhupada. Bhagavan could not have done anything but gone to Srila Prabhupada.
In the Atlanta temple, Prabhupada was sitting on the vyasasana playing the mridanga, and I was sitting very close to him. Prabhupada asked the devotees, “Do you know that song, Parama Karuna?” The devotees said, “Yes, yes, Prabhupada.” Prabhupada played a beat that no one knew. He sang Parama Karuna and said, “You follow,” but no one could follow. There were a hundred devotees there, but no one knew that song. Prabhupada sang through it and said, “Now you’re ready to follow?” We said, “Yes, we’re ready to follow.” We were ready to try to follow. Prabhupada told a devotee to play the tape of Parama Karuna. That was a first, to have Prabhupada sitting with us while we heard a tape of him singing. We were supposed to follow the tape. At that point he said, “Is there any difference between me singing and a tape recording of me singing?” He let us know that he’s in his tape as much as he is when he personally speaks to us. It is a great solace that his words have been recorded for posterity. If we listen to his tapes even twenty years later, they’re non-different than Prabhupada speaking at the time. When he gave Bhagavatam class or darshan, he was speaking to the people present and to the millions of people through generations who will get a chance to hear tape recordings of those classes and darshans. No other acharya in our line had the opportunity to speak to unlimited numbers of people for an unlimited period of time.
At the end of February in 1975, Prabhupada went to Atlanta on tour. First he had gone to Mexico City, then to Caracas, then Miami, and then Atlanta. The Library Party, the Radha Damodar Party, and practically everyone else from all over America converged to see Prabhupada in Atlanta. The devotees in Atlanta were installing Gaura-Nitai Deities. Prabhupada said, “I visited the temples in those other cities, and now I am visiting Atlanta, and I can see this temple is the best.” Everyone went, “Jaya, Prabhupada!!” Of course, Prabhupada encouraged everyone by saying something like that everywhere he went. Then Prabhupada stood in front of the beautiful Gaura-Nitai Deities. He looked at the Deities not as we look at the Deities. Prabhupada actually saw Gaura-Nitai. Prabhupada said, “These two Lords, Lord Chaitanya and Lord Nityananda, Gaura- Nitai, They are very, very merciful. Parama karuna. They are even more merciful than Lord Krishna. Krishna is very merciful, but Lord Chaitanya, He is more merciful.” Then Prabhupada went into ecstasy. He choked up and said, “Please serve them very nicely. Thank you.” Prabhupada was seeing Gaura-Nitai. We were worshiping Gaura-Nitai and trying to understand that They are nondifferent from Krishna Himself. But Prabhupada was seeing Gaura-Nitai, and he was so appreciative of the mercy of Lord Chaitanya that he went into ecstasy. All of us were stunned by the emotion Prabhupada felt for the Supreme Lord.
The most wonderful times were when Prabhupada would give us prasadam individually. Every year or so Prabhupada would tour America, and we’d get a chance to visit him, and then we’d see him again in India. Whatever association we had with Prabhupada we’d cherish in our heart. That personal association was wonderful. But we’d also feel Prabhupada strongly in our service. We would be knocking on doors and not knowing what to say, and we would be praying to Krishna and Prabhupada. Then we’d feel Prabhupada’s strength. Somehow or other amazing things happened, and we’d know that Prabhupada was there. We’d feel that spiritual life is real, that the association of and surrender to the spiritual master is necessary. The feelings that we had on sankirtan were very instructive.
Prabhupada is not just in the past. Prabhupada is also in the present. In Atlanta Prabhupada said that when he first came to America he was trying to do an impossible task, but he did not feel alone, because his spiritual master was always with him. Every disciple of Prabhupada was devastated when Prabhupada left, but Prabhupada only left physically. His instructions are still present, and he’s with us today if we follow his instructions. Prabhupada’s pastimes are not finished. I hope that I do not commit offenses to my Godbrothers, so that I can be around to somehow participate in Prabhupada’s ongoing pastimes. Prabhupada wanted this planet to be changed. He wanted varnashram to be implemented, and he wanted so many other things. They’re already successful, it’s just a question of being qualified enough to participate in implementing them. A devotee has to become qualified to take the mercy of the spiritual master by following his instructions and by becoming serious about serving his lotus feet.
Once in Mayapur, Prabhupada was writing at his desk when I gave him some coconut water, a dab. I straightened some things up, sat down by the door, and chanted while Prabhupada worked. There was no one in the room with him. Then Prabhupada’s sister, Pishima, came. I had her wait at the door, and I said, “Prabhupada, your sister is here. Would you like to speak to her?” He said, “Yes, bring her in.” I opened the door, and Pishima went in and sat down. They started speaking in Bengali, and I got up to leave, as I had a few things to do before people came that evening. Prabhupada looked at me and said, “Where are you going?” I said, “I was going outside.” He said, “No, no, come sit.” He had me sit down while he talked with his sister for another twenty minutes. I thought, “Uh-oh, I’m going to be chastised again, I’ve messed up again.” I was chanting, and I didn’t know what was said, as it was all in Bengali. Then his sister left and there was no one else there. Prabhupada turned to me and said, “A sannyasi is never alone in a room with a woman, even with his mother or sister,” and he quoted a Sanskrit verse. Prabhupada’s example was very instructive. Although Prabhupada’s sister was old, Prabhupada showed the example for all sannyasis. It wasn’t that Prabhupada would say something and do something else. By this purity, he affected all of our hearts. We were trying to preach, and the little time we got to spend with Prabhupada gave us a lifetime of appreciation. In his example there was no dichotomy, no hypocrisy. As Prabhupada spoke and as he wrote in his books is how he lived his life. That type of leader you can follow anywhere.
