Jahnava: Of all Srila Prabhupada’s qualities, the one that overwhelmed me was his inconceivable humility. His humility disarmed my illusion to the point that I could sincerely ask him a question. At first, when I raised my hand he ignored me. He waited until somebody else in the room raised their hand, and he answered their question. This happened three or four times and in my mind I was rephrasing my question. Then I asked my question. I closed my eyes and said, “Sri Bhaktivedanta Swami?” I said his name and for a moment I became disoriented. I couldn’t even go on with the question. Srila Prabhupada very patiently waited for me. It was an intense moment because his glance and his mercy were upon me. I said, “How is it that the Absolute, which is at this point, for me, beyond human comprehension, how can it take this form of Krishna- Radha?” Prabhupada said, “It is His mercy.” Then he said something astounding, a mystical thing that broke through my hippie misconceptions. Srila Prabhupada said, “The Bhagavatam says that if you want to understand God, His name, His quality, His paraphernalia, His form, it is not possible by your present senses. Your senses are so contaminated that it is not possible for you to understand God by speculation. Then? How it is possible? God reveals Himself to you by your service attitude. And that service attitude begins from your tongue. How? You chant Hare Krishna and taste Krishna prasadam. Two things. “You cannot understand what is God, but God will reveal to you, ‘Here I am.’ Just as you cannot ask the sun, ‘Please rise up I want to see you.’ Oh, the sun is not your servant. But when the sun reveals himself to you, you see yourself, you see the sun, and you see the whole world nicely. You have to wait for that revelation.” Six months before this, after I’d fasted for days, I had climbed a mountain all night long and was sitting on the edge of a cliff meditating on om. My plan was that when the sun rose, I would merge with it and become one with the One. But the day was cloudy and when the sun rose I couldn’t see it. The night before I had come to Krishna consciousness, I had prayed to a deity of Lord Shiva to please help me know the answer for everything, and then the next day I met Srila Prabhupada. How everything happened was wonderful.
After Srila Prabhupada’s lecture, he went back to his apartment and we all got ready for bed. Thirty minutes later word got out that Srila Prabhupada had come back. We scrambled together, came into the temple room and sat there expectantly. Srila Prabhupada was grave. At first he didn’t say anything. He played a tape of Vande ‘ham with himself on the harmonium and said, “I have just received a telegram from India saying that His Holiness Keshava Maharaj, my sannyas guru, is no more. He has entered Krishna’s abode.” Srila Prabhupada said that Keshava Maharaj was a Vaishnava, an ocean of mercy, and he said, “I am offering my respectful obeisances to him along with my disciples.” As he talked, he remembered Keshava Maharaj, and a tear slowly came and hovered a little while. That tear was like the shining diamond of his separation from his sannyas guru, it was such a beautiful tear. And at last it fell. Srila Prabhupada had written a resolution of bereavement and asked everyone to sign it. One girl, Madhavi-lata, took it around. She wasn’t going to let another guest and me sign but Srila Prabhupada said, “No, no, everyone here, they are all witnesses.” Then I knew that Srila Prabhupada was accepting me as a part of something that was happening. It was a wonderful experience.
Once I was with Srila Prabhupada in his room for two hours. There were so many things that happened. Later, I went into tears and said, “Okay, I’m leaving ISKCON, I can’t take it anymore. I can’t become a pure devotee.” Then Nara Narayan and Jaya Gopal, said, “You’re right! This is not an ascending process! You cannot do it, but Srila Prabhupada is so great that he can make a devotee even out of you!” That one glorification of Srila Prabhupada—thank you, Nara Narayan and Jaya Gopal—has kept me all these years.
One night Srila Prabhupada called for us to come to his quarters at 26 Second Avenue. The new temple was a block or two down the street at 61 Second Avenue. We all knew the history and the privilege of seeing Srila Prabhupada at 26 Second Avenue, and Rukmini, Saradiya and I were on our way, but at the last minute, Saradiya said she couldn’t come. She had to tend to the laundry or something. When Rukmini and I walked through Prabhupada’s door, Srila Prabhupada said, “Where is Saradiya?” Then we understood that Srila Prabhupada was concerned for each of his daughters, where they were, how they were being engaged, how they were feeling. He wanted to know why she had stayed back.
Srila Prabhupada said, “I had no reason to leave Vrindavan to come here.” We were wondering why Srila Prabhupada said that. It was almost as though something was going on that had displeased him. It was a heavy thing for him to say. Then he said, “And you have no reason to come here to see me, except Krishna.” And he smiled beautifully. He went around the room looking at all of our eyes and said, “So, I want that each of you open a center. This Krishna consciousness must go all over the world.” Rukmini asked, “Does that mean women too?” And Srila Prabhupada said, “Yes.” Then he mentioned the person that I was named after, Jahnava Mata, and he said that she had been a great preacher in Krishna consciousness.
Gargamuni told Srila Prabhupada, “We have just begun the Spiritual Sky incense business.” Srila Prabhupada said to twelve-year-old Virabhadra, “So Virabhadra, you should work for Gargamuni. And Gargamuni, you should pay Virabhadra.” We were all astounded—here’s a little boy who’s going to earn money. And the little boy was beaming, “I’m going to have money!” Even if it was five dollars, it was more than any brahmachari had at that time. So Srila Prabhupada reiterated it, saying, “So you’ll work for Gargamuni. And Gargamuni, you’ll pay something to Virabhadra.” Then Srila Prabhupada said it a third time and he added, “And Virabhadra, you give the money to me.” The look on Virabhadra’s face made us all laugh. I wanted to be a part of that kind of atmosphere, where everything’s light, joyful, and intimate. I asked Srila Prabhupada, “Swamiji, when I chant Hare Krishna, can I pray for all living entities?” Srila Prabhupada said, “You? Do you know all living entities? No, you pray to Krishna, and let Krishna take care of all living entities.”
Srila Prabhupada called Baradraj and me to his room to talk about painting for the Krishna book. Baradraj was already speaking to Srila Prabhupada when I came in. The minute that I came in, Srila Prabhupada turned to me and said, “So, at the end of his life, what was Einstein’s conclusion?” Now, I’m not a scholar—I don’t know anything—but the amazing thing is that I knew the answer to that question. I said, “That there is a higher consciousness. That the universal order implies a higher being.” Srila Prabhupada said, “Yes,” and then he continued speaking to Baradraj. Similarly, Srila Prabhupada asked Brahmatirtha the meaning of one verse out of the 700 verses of the Bhagavad-gita. And that verse was the only one that Brahmatirtha had memorized and he was able to quote it to Srila Prabhupada. So, Srila Prabhupada began telling Krishna book stories we had never heard before. He said, “Lord Krishna, He was such a naughty boy. A naughty boy is an intelligent boy. I was naughty when I was a little boy, and so was Lord Krishna and so was Lord Chaitanya.” He said, “Lord Krishna used to pass urine on the clean floor, and then He’d go ‘ptoo’ on it,” and Srila Prabhupada went like that. Of course, in the book it says, “spit” but Srila Prabhupada went “ptoo.” Then Srila Prabhupada began telling us about the Universal Form, the universe contained within the mouth of Lord Krishna when Mother Yasoda asked Him to open His mouth. Srila Prabhupada described how, “There were oceans and seas, and there was air and fire and earth and water and the ten directions, north, south, east and west, mountains and . . .” for about five minutes. As he was speaking in this wonderfully charismatic way, Baradraj and I, unbeknownst to us, were gradually leaning forward, getting involved in the story. Then at one point, Srila Prabhupada said to Baradraj, “Now you paint that!” It was such a shock. It was a double shock because we were coming closer and closer and we weren’t expecting Srila Prabhupada to suddenly say that, and it was also a shock to be asked to paint it. Baradraj almost lost his balance, and I fell backwards too. Months later, Baradraj was in Montreal struggling with how to paint this picture. He wrote to Srila Prabhupada and said, “Srila Prabhupada, in all due honesty, I cannot figure out how to put all those things in Krishna’s mouth.” Srila Prabhupada sent back a little sketch that showed a stick figure of Mother Yasoda standing up, a little stick figure of child Krishna sitting down with a balloon coming out of His mouth, and Prabhupada said, “That’s how you do it.” Then Baradraj made the beautiful painting that’s in the original Krishna book of the universe in Krishna’s mouth. That painting now hangs in the foyer of the Montreal temple.
Bhagavan, Kirtanananda, Brahmananda and many other devotees came to the Boston airport in 1969. Brahmananda instructed us, “Previously, you jumped over chairs at the airport, but this is not good. We have to have some kind of protocol and etiquette in public. This is public relations.” So, everybody was behaving nicely. Then after a long wait, we saw Srila Prabhupada’s bead bag above some kind of Customs wall. Then Kirtanananda lost it. He was holding his danda, flying, and jumping, and all of us were flying and jumping. When Srila Prabhupada came out he was beaming. We all bowed down. There was a sea of us bowing down. Meanwhile, newspaper reporters with their cameras were looking at this sea of Americans in 1969 bowing down to this Indian sannyasi. Srila Prabhupada noted it and said, “The spiritual master is to be worshipped as God.” You could’ve heard a pin drop in that part of the airport. “But, if the spiritual master thinks that he is God, then he is dog.” Then he had them.
Pariksit said, “Srila Prabhupada, should we attend classes?” At that time Baradraj was taking the devotee-artists to the Los Angeles County Art Museum where we were studying art and he was giving us sketching classes and so on. Srila Prabhupada said, “Yes.” Pariksit said, “But I mean . . .” Srila Prabhupada said, “Yes, morning and evening classes.” Pariksit interrupted him and said, “But I mean . . .” Srila Prabhupada interrupted him and said, “Morning and evening classes.” Then Prabhupada said, “By your attending these classes, you will please the Lord within your heart and you will receive instructions from the Lord within.”
In Los Angeles in 1975, Srila Prabhupada made a tour of the community. We had just whitewashed the walls of the Art Department to make this dumpy-looking place look nice for Srila Prabhupada. There was a picture by Jayarama prominently displayed, but Srila Prabhupada sat down in the packed room and made no comment. Ramesvara said, “Srila Prabhupada, Jayarama did this beautiful painting of Radha and Krishna!” Srila Prabhupada made a facial expression of indifference. I contemplated that expression a lot. Srila Prabhupada knew us so well. It wasn’t very long after that that Jayarama left the movement and started painting for the Scientologists. The symptoms of his leaving us were already in full swing. Then Baradraj said, “Srila Prabhupada, when the artists and I go to the Mayapur festival, we would also like to go on a tour of India. We will take sketches in all the holy places to make our paintings more authentic.” Srila Prabhupada said, “We are not archeologists,” and he explained that as we advance in devotional service our inspiration comes from Paramatma. As I paint today, Srila Prabhupada’s statement that we are not archeologists is one of my mantras.
In Dallas in 1972, the Deities, Sri Sri Radha-Kalachandji, arrived the same day as Srila Prabhupada, and Srila Prabhupada wanted to install Them in two days. The Deities were covered with something sticky and little pieces of burlap and cloth were stuck to painted areas like Their eyes and so on. The head pujari, Ichhamati, was concerned because she knew that when we dressed the Deities in the future we would have some difficulty. So, we tried every solvent that we could think of. Nothing would get this sticky substance off. When we had tried everything, Ichhamati left me in charge of taking this stuff off. I’d already suggested paint remover, and we had thought about it a little bit. Finally, she left and I began to use paint remover. My great offense was that I was confident that I could take all the paint off the Deities and repaint them in two days time. I removed all the paint from the Deities and when the head pujari came back, she was in a state of shock. I said, “It’s all right,” but I understood I had done something in an unauthorized way. I did not know at that time that these Deities were already installed. I didn’t know that they had been worshipped and that they were 500-year-old Deities, although this does not minimize my offense. Anyway, I was painting the Deities all night in Srila Prabhupada’s quarters. And the next morning the Deity was totally wet. I was using a Japanese dryer but I could see that something was wrong, it was not going according to plan. So, Satsvarupa Maharaj informed Srila Prabhupada of the situation on a morning walk. Srila Prabhupada stopped and said, “Pack my bags immediately. I am leaving this temple. You can do whatever you like with the Deities, but just don’t consult me.” Naturally, I went into a suicidal state. I was emotionally crying and devastated by my offense of having acted in an unauthorized way. Then the GBC, the head pujari, the temple president, everyone gathered for a meeting in Srila Prabhupada’s room. Srila Prabhupada said, “Who has done this?” Everyone said, “Jahnava, Jahnava did it.” Srila Prabhupada turned his glance to me and said, “Who told you to do this?” At that moment, I was choked with emotion. There was no question of speech coming out of my mouth. And at the same time, I remembered the Srimad-Bhagavatam where the bull does not blame anyone for his condition. I could have pointed my finger a few places but I didn’t. I felt that I should not do this. And from within, I felt that Srila Prabhupada appreciated me not blaming someone else. Srila Prabhupada said, “Why did you do this?” And again, I was choked with emotion. I had been crying hysterically for two hours. Srila Prabhupada began to be disgusted with me, and he started turning his glance and his mercy away from me. I thought, “Krishna’s kicking and His kissing is the same. I want it. I want whatever Srila Prabhupada has to give me. It’s mine. This is my quota.” So I choked it off. When Srila Prabhupada asked, “Why have you done this?” I said, “Nonsense, Srila Prabhupada.” Srila Prabhupada said, “Suicidal nonsense.” Then he asked me, “So, what is to be done about it?” Now he’d changed his tone of voice a little bit and he seemed pleased. I felt a little let off the hook. I said, “I just called Baradraj in L.A. and explained that the paint is not drying, and he suggested I use . . .” Srila Prabhupada said, “Baradraj? Baradraj? I am your spiritual master, and I am sitting right in front of you! Why do you not ask me?” The sound reverberations of that form of Srila Prabhupada as a servant of Lord Nrsimhadev are going out into the universe, still reverberating to this day. It took me about two or three years to calm down. It was a wonderful, cleansing process. Srila Prabhupada was disgusted with me, and he turned his glance away from me and said, “What is to be done about this?” Then Ichhamati said the same thing I did, but with humility. She said, “Srila Prabhupada, if we use an enamel paint, it can dry in six to eight hours. Would it be all right with you if we use that kind of paint?” Srila Prabhupada said, “Do it immediately.”
