Jnanagamya: I was invited by Satsvarupa to go on a morning walk in Dallas. We went into a fairly well-to-do subdivision where there was a sign, “Beware of the dog.” Prabhupada commented on this “Beware of the dog,” and we understood that he was talking about the man in the house, not the dog. Prabhupada had an incredible sense of humor and sometimes a great sense of sarcasm.
I had studied film in college and I was determined and anxious to make Krishna conscious films. I wrote Srila Prabhupada some letters about that and he wrote back, “Hitler and Napoleon and many others made so much propaganda and then what happened? Nothing happened. They’re over, finished.” Prabhupada emphasized book distribution and was not enthusiastic about my making films. I tried to appreciate that, but I also sent Prabhupada an outline I had written for a film and when I went to Vrindavan, Hari Sauri introduced me to Prabhupada by saying, “This is the boy who has sent you the draft.” Prabhupada said to me, “Who is stopping you from doing this?” I could understand that Prabhupada understood me very well, that I was holding myself back, stopping myself from doing what I said I supposedly wanted to do. Anyway, I continued to play with the idea and Atreya Rishi, who was a GBC, encouraged me. He said, “Why don’t you come to Iran, get a job and develop some skills.” I said okay. Then, on one of his last stops on his last tour of the world, Prabhupada came to Iran and again I presented the idea of filmmaking. The complete dismay on Prabhupada’s face was incredibly devastating. I thought, “Oh, my gosh, what am I doing?” It was an amazing experience. It seemed that Prabhupada always chastised me. Once I was sitting down in Vrindavan and Prabhupada gestured, “Cover your feet.” So I covered my feet. And then, another time before I even sat down, Prabhupada gestured again, “Cover your feet.” He remembered my faux pas. The first time I came to India, at the big Delhi pandal in ’76, I was one of the many bodyguards assigned to keep the crowds a little distance from Prabhupada. At the end of the pandal Prabhupada walked back stage and, when he was about six or eight feet away from me, two girls dove at Prabhupada’s feet. There were a hundred people following Prabhupada and I thought, “My gosh, these girls are going to trip Prabhupada and all the people behind him will fall on him.” So when these girls were diving, I tried to restrain them but it was useless. Although I never got close to them, Prabhupada said to me, “Why are you pushing? Why are you pushing?” I thought, “My God,” and everybody stopped. Prabhupada was looking at me totally upset. After that I wandered around in a semi-conscious state until Dayananda said to me, “You really got the mercy.” I thought, “Is that what it was?” I was relieved but every time I pushed anybody after that, I remembered what happened—Prabhupada was warning me. Anyway, these personal chastisements—the conversations and letters about filmmaking, the dive-bomber devotees, covering the feet—were Krishna’s arrangements. I had a more intense false ego than anybody else, and Krishna arranged for my spiritual master to smash me. For some time I took it in a negative way, especially when my sadhana started to slide a few years ago, and I made up a lot of stories, “Prabhupada always liked the others best and he didn’t like me that much.” But after some soul searching the conclusion I came to was that that is my story. Prabhupada loved every one of his disciples no matter what their faults or their problems and he wanted all of us to go back to Godhead. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have bothered to come in the first place. If he showed some exasperation with us that was good for us—it was to help us get our act together. I feel very blessed to have had Prabhupada’s association in that way. If he had encouraged me or flattered me I would have probably doubted his perceptions even more. Prabhupada gave me an incredible life, all the things that I’ve been able to do in ISKCON, places I’ve been able to go, and the basic service, the sadhana, the chanting, the association of devotees. Nobody could offer that to anyone else unless that person was a pure personality. It could not come from anyone who had any taint of greed or selfishness. Prabhupada was a wonderful beacon of light and his concern and efforts for all of us show us that Krishna wants us to reappear in the spiritual world.
On one of his visits to Dallas I asked Prabhupada, “How can we repay you?” Prabhupada was quiet for a minute and then said, “You don't require to repay. (he chuckled) I am not giving you anything. It is Krishna’s property. You repay to Krishna. Chant Hare Krishna and He will be repaid. Nobody can repay… That is the... Therefore it is better to remain always obliged.” For me, even when I don’t feel confident in or turned on about devotional service or when I allow politics to get in the way, I still feel obligated to my spiritual master. This sense of responsibility, this feeling that there is something important for us to do is Prabhupada’s perfect gift to his followers. As a child I remember feeling, “There’s something very important I have to do in this life. I have no idea what it is, but I’m going to do something that’s going to be very important.” So that could translate into becoming successful in the material sphere, or it could translate into becoming a loving servant of Krishna. Prabhupada was a simple person and his activities were simplified. He didn’t complicate his life with so much stuff. Once at gurukula, the children gave him their drawings of Krishna and Prabhupada looked through them. I thought, “These are wonderful pictures of Krishna from little pure devotees.” But Prabhupada put them down and walked away. He wasn’t interested in taking anything. He accepted things and then distributed them again. While I would have taken such pictures to put on my wall and to treasure, he was going on and on and on, constantly accepting adulation from people, their worship, and then offering that to Krishna everywhere he went. He never got bogged down or overwhelmed by it. His ego was never out of joint by doing those things. The incredible impression I had of Prabhupada is that he was a perfect living being and that his desire was to make us also perfect in our relationship with Krishna.
